Safer safety

Mary Ellen (nellebelle) wrote, to a reporter:

I am writing as a parent who believes that the risk of my child being harmed by using the Internet is overblown.

Children are far more at risk from sexual predation by people known to the family than by strangers they meet on the Internet. Even if a predator does manage to contact a child via email or chatting, a lot would have to happen for that contact to lead to a physical meeting. Limiting children's use of the Internet is based on fear mongering and gives parents a false sense of security.

I monitor my children's Internet use by spending time with them while they are on-line. I encourage them to show me web sites they like to visit and how they use them. I show them web sites that I think they might enjoy. We speak about safety issues on an ongoing basis, just as we discuss safety in other areas of our lives.

—Mary Ellen (nellebelle)

SandraDodd.com/onlinesafety
photo by Holly Dodd

Breathe to think

Rachel S:

The hardest part for me is catching yourself in the moment and being aware enough to make the better choice that aligns with where you want to be. Luckily we have multiple opportunities daily to do so.😊

Sandra D:

If you didn't "catch yourself," that was one of those "acted thoughtlessly" moments.

Because you switched from "me" to "yourself/you," and talked about "catching yourself," I think you're seeing it as an outside influence—part of you is catching the other part of you. That's too much work and worry!

What helped me, when I had babies, was breathing before I spoke or before I decided, and eventually, taking a breath when I felt my thoughts get zippy-fast. I didn't always do it, but increasingly, many times a day, I did. Before long it was most of the time. That was growth. That was good.

Rachel S:

Yes I have started to try and stop and breath. It seems so foreign at times like I have to fill the space with something! The knee jerk conditioning is so strong at times but as you say it takes practice and eventually a new path will be laid. Thank you for replying. It has given me insight.

(original, in the comments at "Growth is good")
SandraDodd.com/breathing
photo by Nina Haley

More careful than "authentic"

Once upon a time in 2007, I was responding to a mom who was being dismissive (of her children) and defensive (of the discussion):

---

She:

I think that because of the tool we are using here to communicate that something is lost in translation.

I:

Don't try to use a saw as a hammer.

The tool we're using here can be used very well, but it takes thought and practice. No one is preventing reflection and proofreading. It's fine (and would be good) for you to hold a post and edit it carefully. Those who choose not to shouldn't complain about reactions.

She:

As powerful as words can be, the right attitude and heart behind the mistake can change how the words were perceived.

I:

Words can harm children forever. You're very unlikely to traumatize any of the moms reading here, but we can help you learn not to traumatize your children, and to think and write more clearly, if you want.

She:

Sandra also said, "Watch your thoughts, because without doing that you can't really learn to choose better reactions."
I agree with this in part.

I:

IN PART?

SandraDodd.com/authentic
photo by Rosie Moon

Evidence

So what do we need besides seeing things in a new light, trying to be more understanding about noise and mess, and being our children's partners? I mean tools for moving toward being with children in new ways?

Maybe LOVE the mess.

See it as evidence of health and joy and learning, and then it's not "mess," it's proof.

SandraDodd.com/chats/being
photo by Julie Markovitz

Deschooling and Games

Lyle Perry was one of my favorite unschooling-volunteer-helper writers, and the following were his responses to someone who shall remain nameless, who was complaining about Yu-Gi-Oh. The indented sections are Lyle's pull-punches-gently responses. —Sandra

---

I wonder when he will ever learn anything!

Maybe he's wondering when you will ever SEE what he's learning. Maybe he's wondering when you will join him in what he's learning, or at least express some joy and satisfaction that he IS learning. (He IS learning, you know.)

That's all he talks about. Yu-Gi-Yo Cards

What do you talk about? Anything BUT Yu-Gi-Oh cards? It sounds like you're waiting for him to get through a "phase" or something so he can really get down to some serious learning. The problem is, he's already there, he's just waiting for you to catch up! You're the one that's behind. He's doing the learning, he's moved on, and you're still stuck on the same chapter. It's time to turn the page. Or better yet, put that book down, wrap it in some gasoline soaked newspapers, and offer it up as your last sacrifice to the School Gods. Their powers are obsolete now. Break free from the academic death grip they have on your mind and set yourself free!

And he doesn't know how to play the game, and I am so not interested in trying to teach the game.

Well, that's a pretty depressing attitude. Would you be interested in teaching him geography? Biology? Seismology? Are those the important things? Your things are important and his things are crap? If that's true, I don't blame him for not being interested in your stuff. Why should he get excited about your stuff when you look at his stuff with disdain and revulsion? Don't forget that he's learning something about the signals you're sending him too. He's learning ALL the time. Don't let him learn that his mom thinks what he does is stupid.

—Lyle Perry, the responses
(more here)

SandraDodd.com/focus
photo by Colleen Prieto

Affirming, accepting, embracing

Amy Childs wrote:

What I do give unschooling complete credit for is that instead of spending Jonathan’s adolescence fighting with him, shaming him, trying to make him do things, judging him, punishing him, or trying to “teach” him anything, instead I spent those years affirming him, accepting him, embracing him, and supporting him in being who he was.

I would never trade those precious years, that once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, nor the relationship that was born between us during those years, for anything in the world.

—Amy Childs

SandraDodd.com/teens/amychilds
photo by Sandra Dodd

Simple and very difficult

Pam Sorooshian wrote:

An unschooling parent needs to be fully present with their kids, sensitive to their kids' needs, and extremely respectful of their kids' interests. This is simple and very difficult, at the same time. It is so simple, it really asks so little of us, as parents, to pay attention to what "is" right in front of us. But it is very very difficult to do, sometimes, especially when what our kids are presenting to us appears to us to be negative or dull or unproductive.

—Pam Sorooshian
(more, with examples)

SandraDodd.com/being
photo by Jihong Tang

Comfort and support

I was planning to borrow an older post for today's post. Intending to see whether I had already repeated it, I accidentally put it into Google instead of Just Add Light and Stir's search bar.

The quote was this:

Taking food to someone who is reading or playing a game or watching a movie and just putting it where he or she can reach it without any instructions, warnings or reminders is a great gift. It is a simple gesture, and a profound service.

Those were my words, and they went with this photo, by Hinano:


The mistake triggered Google's AI to expand on the quote for me, and it was quite good:

---

This statement highlights a profound act of service: offering sustenance without disrupting someone's flow. By delivering food silently and without demands, you show care, respect their focus, and nurture them, turning a simple, quiet gesture into a meaningful gift of comfort and support.

Key Aspects of This Gesture:

• Respects Autonomy: It allows the person to consume the food at their own pace without interruption.


• Reduces Cognitive Load: It eliminates the need for conversation, instructions, or decisions.


• Provides Comfort: It demonstrates thoughtfulness and care for their physical well-being while they are engaged in an activity.


• Simple yet Profound: It shows that serving someone doesn't need to be elaborate to be deeply appreciated.

---

Original, 2016:
Small things are big
photo by Hinano

Even more relaxed

Ren wrote:

The part that is missing with the relaxed/eclectic approach is still trust. It's just being more creative with how you get information into children, that's all. Better....but not quite the complete trust that unschoolers have in the human ability to learn.

We may still raise butterflies or garden or go to museums, so to an outsider we're doing some of the same activities. The difference is my kids can show zero interest and that is just fine. The difference is that I'm not trying to check of some subject box or define their learning experiences for them. The difference is that we do these things to have fun and trust that learning happens when we're alive and breathing. 🙂

—Ren Allen

SandraDodd.com/unschool/vsRelaxedHomeschooling
photo by Nicole Kenyon

Change the lighting

Unschooling involves making many small choices every day, and providing opportunities for kids to make choices.

One important part of this choicemaking, for unschooling parents, is to become the sort of person you want your child to be.

You probably don't want your child to suffer or to struggle.

Someone I know and love wrote to me recently about suffering this thing, and struggling with that thing. Re-cast, re-phrase, re-arrange, change the lighting. Same you, same life, less negativity.

SandraDodd.com/being/positive
photo by Janine Davies

Passing through the space between

Sandy Lubert wrote:

This place between schooling and unschooling, this place that we often refer to as deschooling, it really is a wonderful place to grow and learn. It’s the place where change occurs, where we unburden ourselves. It’s where we look at old definitions with new eyes and say, perhaps for the first time, “That definition just doesn’t work for me and my family.” ....

...I was privileged enough to watch my son, who is an artist, rediscover his passion. He had become seriously depressed at school and had completely stopped drawing, something he had previously done for hours at a time. As he grew more and more accustomed to the unfettered feeling of NOT being at school, NOT being told what should be important to him…as he began to heal, he started to draw again. His art had been gone from our lives for nearly a year, and I had no idea how badly I’d missed it, until it came back. So, in that place between schooling and unschooling, one of the many gifts I received was the return of my son’s imagination.

—Sandy Lubert

from "Unschooling and deschooling, and changes"
SandraDodd.com/sandylubert.html
photo by Karen James

Living lightly

John Quincy Adams is credited with having said, “If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader.”

The sentence above came from a post by an unschooling dad, Sean Heritage. In the post he's talking about his unusual approach to his job as a Commander in the U.S. Navy. Some of his ideas might have been inspired by his unschooling experiences, but Sean's ability to see in the way he does must surely be making unschooling easier at his house.

In your family, in your unschooling, in each dyad/partnership within your family, if you inspire dreaming, learning, doing and becoming, you'll be leading in an exceptional way.

Sean Heritage is retired now; the post originally appeared in 2015.
His writing from which I pulled the quote: Unicorns and Fairies

Being your Child's Partner is probably the best match on my site.
photo by Megan Valnes

From Dictator to Partner

Kelly Lovejoy wrote, in "Wet Paint":

I could have easily have remained a dictator had I not found unschooling and mindful parenting. I like when folks do what I say! Cameron has always been very compliant, so being a benevolent dictator was easy. Duncan, on the other hand, questions everything! I needed to change how I approached parenting with him—and that’s helped in my dealings with Cameron too. Stepping back and realizing that obeying orders was not in my children’s best interest was huge to me.

It’s helped me to change my language a bit. Rather than say, "Don’t touch the bench: the paint is wet," I'll now say, ”That paint may be wet. You might want to be careful if you touch it.” That gives them information to think through instead of an order to follow or disregard. They might ask how I know it’s wet. Or did I see a painter leave? Is there a sign? How can we tell when it’s dry? What does 'tacky' mean?

And they might go ahead and touch it. But that gives them the information they need. And that’s OK. One more brick in your tower.

—Kelly Lovejoy

SandraDodd.com/kellylovejoy/wetpaint
photo by Sandra Dodd

Learning for fun

The separation of learning and fun is the only thing that keeps learning from BEING fun.

Perhaps this will be seen as preaching to the choir, but I prefer to think of it as teaching a new song to an experienced, enthusiastic choir.

---

Learning is fun.

Playing with ideas is fun.

Living becomes learning
photo by Karen James

Real, present, thinking children

Sandra Dodd, 2014, commentary on criticism:

How parents can ignore their own real, present, thinking children in favor of vague negativity and scare stories is a mystery.

Unschooling is not synonymous with anything. There are people who "unschool" except for…", and who "unschool mostly," but if their priorities are learning and peace, then arbitrary rules and decisions made on fear are less likely to seem like good ideas.

If an 11 year old is bummed, it might be worth really looking at his side of things. Being a child's partner in exploring the world is valuable in more ways than people can imagine, if they haven't done it. If the parent sees the child as an adversary who should be limited and made to wait until he's grown even to spend his own money, there will be more problems than they can imagine.

SandraDodd.com/partners/child

---

I've added that to the page Look Directly at your Child

The full text with background and discussion is here on Always Learning.

photo by Lydia Koltai

Paws it!

I remember having younger video-game playing kids, and asking "Does this game pause?" Or one of them, knowing which were "pausable," would just demand of a sibling "Pause it!", if there was a reason to interact, a question to ask, or something to say.

With my own thoughts and actions, it's good to know when I can "pause it" if someone needs me.


SandraDodd.com/being

photo by Crystal, Sorscha's mom, years ago,
for If you give a cat a Nintendo...,
a tongue-in-cheek directory page

Advice

Q/Kim:

What parenting advice would you give to those who are new to unschooling?

A/Sandra:

Read a little, try a little, wait a while, watch. That's my new improved advice for anyone about anything. Some people think they can read their way to a change, or discuss themselves into unschooling.

(That was new improved advice in 2010; it's regular old advice now.)
Q/Kim:

Yes, I think I was one of those people to begin with. It's only time and experience that has given me way more understanding. Oh and being a part of Always Learning!

A/Sandra:

It's important to find out what others have discovered and done, but nothing will change until the parents change the way they respond to the child. But if the parents change EVERYthing about the way they respond to the child, that creates chaos, and doesn't engender confidence. The child might just think the parents have gone crazy or don't love him anymore.

"An unschooling surprise: Sandra Dodd is in the house!"
Interview by Kim Houssenloge
photo by Karen James

Partner and friend

Janine Davies wrote, in the midst of a longer account:
For me, that all begins and ends with being a good mum in the eyes and minds of my children, and going forward being remembered as a kind respectful and happy mum—someone they could trust implicitly, and who was their partner and friend.

Hopefully they will then carry that forward to how they treat their children, regardless of what the current trend is, or fears they have, or the current scaremongering circulating. Even if they don't have children of their own, my hope is that they treat and speak to all children that they come in contact with throughout their lives with the same respect and kindness that they afford their partners and friends, and that they treat them like the people they are.

—Janine Davies
(read the rest)

Being a Happy Mom
photo by Sandra Dodd

Like Riding a Bicycle

Vickie Bergman, some of her nice analogy about unschooling being like riding bikes:

Your own bicycle is powered by your own legs, steered by your own hands. It stops when you stop, goes where you want to go. But it's not that you are always responsible for your own movement. You are not just left to figure it out for yourself. When you prefer to have some level of assistance getting where you want to go, you also have tandem bicycles and bike trailers available to you. You get to choose if you want help and what kind and how much. And your parents are ready to help whenever and however you want them to.

No matter which kind of bicycle you are on, there is no separation between you and the outside world. No window to look out. You can smell the real world, hear the real world, stop and touch the real world. You are part of the real world. There are paths to follow if you want to, but your rides are not limited to the paths.
. . . .

That is unschooling. It is not a model of education, but a way of life. It is recognizing that people learn from living, and there is no need to separate learning from living. Unschooling lets a family live together, learn together. It is built on trust among family members, and trust in human nature. Trust that children have a strong desire to learn about things, even if those things may not be on the short list of school subjects. Trust that, with your acceptance and support, your child will follow his own path, leading exactly where he wants to go.

—Vickie Bergman

More at: SandraDodd.com/bicycle
photo by Vickie Bergman

More peaceful

Someone on unschooling-[dot]-info (now defunct) was frustrated with advice that she be more gentle with her daughter and wrote:

You guys do it your way, let your kids run wild, let them curse, let them do every little thing they want to do.

arcarpenter/Amy responded:

That's really not how my house looks or feels—not wild, not out-of-control. There is something in-between the extremes of demanding obedience and having children feel and act out-of-control all the time. The something in-between is giving feedback about how a behavior is affecting me and others, while also being understanding that the behavior is coming from a valid need. The something in-between often takes more time and attention than either of the extremes, but it is worth it, because my children get a chance to problem-solve and to grow in their own emotional awareness now, when they're young, instead of trying to figure it all out on their own when they're older.

. . . .
The more we practice these principles, the more peaceful our house becomes. *That* is what our house looks like—not what you described above.

Peace,
Amy

What I left out was a story with examples of how unschooling was creating peace at their house. It's here: SandraDodd.com/peace/fighting
photo by Gail Higgins