When Holly wanted plums

Pam Sorooshian wrote this when our children were young:

I went to New Mexico and Sandra picked me up at the airport. We then went to three grocery stores, one right after another, because Holly (who was maybe 4 or 5 at the time) was really wanting some plums and the first couple of stores we went to didn't have any. She wasn't being terribly demanding or whiny or anything—just saying, "Mommy I REALLY would love to have a plum."

So we drove around—which was great because I got to see a bit of Albuquerque—and we got her some plums and she munched happily in the back seat while we talked. I was very impressed with Sandra's willingness to do this—most people would have thought it was MORE than enough to stop at even one grocery store because a child had a sudden urge to eat a plum. Most people would have just brushed off the child's urge (do we brush off our OWN urges like that?)

I thought then, and it has been confirmed for me on many occasions since, that when kids know that their parents are willing to go out of their own way to help them get what they want, that the kids end up usually more understanding and able to more easily accept it when parents don't give them what they want.

—Pam Sorooshian

SandraDodd.com/yes
photo by Sandra Dodd

Your kids know

Joyce wrote:

He can feel you hovering over him waiting for him to do something that will calm your fears.

Sandra adds:

Your children know when you're anxious or nervous. Don't think you're sneaking up on them. It's important to relax, not just to pretend to be relaxed.

JoyfullyRejoycing.com/how-to-unschool
photo by Susan Gaissert

❖

Random connections

Birds that begin with "K":

Bird photos by unschooling moms!

A kestrel and a kookaburro, found in my Just Add Light and Stir photo folder, and who remind me to encourage random-access world, and random-connection life!

SandraDodd.com/connections
photos by Karen James and by Christine Milne

Sun, or moon, or fire

Sometimes light is from an Aha!! lightbulb moment.
Sometimes light is more information, or seeing from a new angle, "in a new light."
Sometimes light is from the sun, or the moon, or a fire.
Sometimes light comes from just lightening up. (Not "lightning up," or "lighting up," so spelling will make a big difference, in those lights.)

Live lightly.

SandraDodd.com/angles
photo by Sandra Dodd

Parents exploring (deschooling)

Deschooling is not just the child recovering from school damage. It's also the parents exploring their own school and childhood damage and proactively changing their thinking until the paradigm shift happens.

—Robyn Coburn

How Deschooling Works
photo by Irene Adams

Wholeness and health

Someone asked:

Why does it have to be so hard to let go and just let our kids make their own decisions and be who and how they want to be!!

I responded:

It doesn't have to be hard.
SandraDodd.com/haveto

If your priority is to keep the peace with friends or relatives who are harsh with and about kids, then it will be difficult.

If your priority becomes the relationship with your child, it will become easier to choose toward the wholeness and health of your child.

Sandra Dodd, 2012

original, on Always Learning
photo by Christine Milne

Spooky surprises

One spooky... morning, ten years ago, I cut a tomato and this stared back. Untouched, eyes and all, just like this:

Let the world surprise you!

SandraDodd.com/surprise
photo by Sandra Dodd

Your own clear understanding

Pam Sorooshian wrote:

Unschooling happily and successfully requires clear thinking. I don't think it works as well when people just look at those with young adult kids who are happy and successful and try to copy them without doing the hard thinking and building their own clear understanding of unschooling. When they try to emulate, they are still following rules - unschooling rules. Unschoolers always say yes to everything. Unschoolers never make their kids do anything. Kids always decide everything for themselves. And so on. But those "rules" are not unschooling. Unschooling well requires understanding the underlying philosophy of how children learn, and the principles that guide us in our everyday lives arise from that philosophy. It isn't some new kind of parenting technique that can be observed and applied without understanding.

—Pam Sorooshian

SandraDodd.com/understanding
photo by Belinda Dutch

Learning by leaps and bounds

From a learning standpoint, when babies are carried they see more, they hear and smell more. If they are given things to touch and taste besides just a few baby toys left in the corner of a crib or playpen, they will learn by leaps and bounds. They will spend less time crying and more time being in the real world.

The parents will know the child better, and the child will know the parents better. They will be building a partnership based on trust.

SandraDodd.com/attachment
photo by Sandra Dodd, at a fabric store

Comfortable, interesting and thoughtful

Karen James wrote:

I was a little nervous about what to expect when Ethan entered the teen years. My own teen years were kind of difficult. I have just loved being a part of Ethan's life at every stage of development, and this one is no exception. As we walked side by side at the art gallery the other day (him noticeably taller than me now!), I felt more than ever like I was with a good friend. Our interactions were comfortable and the conversation was interesting and thoughtful. I hope he felt that way too. I'm feeling more confident. It's like when he took his first steps. I knew that meant things were going to change, but I was excited to see where his next steps would lead.

—Karen James, 2016

SandraDodd.com/teens/
photo by Doug James, the dad, I'm guessing

Bonus!

If unschooling makes us hopeful, problem-solving people, what an unexpected bonus!

SandraDodd.com/unexpected
photo by Sandra Dodd
Bonus bonus: If you use green onions with roots still on, stick the white bottom parts in little containers in a windowsill, and they might keep growing for a while. Bonus onions! (Those went in just about 2" long, and I waited a week.)

Figuring out when and where

To a mom asking about why a store wouldn't let her kid climb on the employee's stairs, or ladder, I wrote:

Always saying no is bad.
NEVER saying no is just as bad.

Helping children figure out when and where they can do things is great.

YES children can run and should run, but ANYwhere? No.
YES children should be able to climb up and look around, but ANYwhere? No.

"Yes, somewhere else" can be a good answer, but then the parents need to find that somewhere else QUICKLY, soon, that day, not a month or a year later.

SandraDodd.com/partners/child
photo by Cathy Koetsier


see also Up

Integration

Joyce Fetteroll, from "Why You Can’t Let Go":

As kids fit pieces in one area of the puzzle, those pieces are also unconsciously fitting into other areas. And even better, the areas the piece fits into can provide feedback. So one area can set off an alarm if a child is about to add a piece to another area that doesn't make sense.

As an example, learning about hawks will add pieces to the carnivore area along with lots of other areas too. The carnivore area will also get pieces from cats and dogs and T. Rexes and sharks. That will build up images of carnivore behavior. So if a child hears "Hawks eat rice," that piece won't make sense in the carnivore area. The child's brain will scramble around looking for words that are in both the sounds-like-rice area and the carnivore area. They'll probably say, "Oh, mice!" Or, if they come up blank, "That can't be right!" Whatever they do, they won't just mindlessly accept some fact. They want the areas to work and want the areas to meet their needs.

Yes, there's double-checking with curriculum too. Kids won't just accept some obvious error like 2+2=5. But with natural learning they're motivated to question and understand. They're trying to meet their needs, after all. Not someone else's needs. Not some future needs they might have.

If you think about how your kids are learning English, you can see a working image of this puzzle building. English is an area of the real world puzzle. The more kids use English, the more pieces they add to the English puzzle area. But English is also a tool kids use to build other areas of the real world puzzle.

—Joyce Fetteroll

SandraDodd.com/joyce/talk
photo by Karen James

Yet another shift

Jen Keefe wrote:

Sydney (7) wanted to make sure she was spelling "Girl Scout Cookies For Sale" correctly for her sign, so she asked Siri how to spell it.

I went over to offer my help to make sure it was giving the correct results for her (thinking any number of results could have come up in the search). "No mom" she said "I just look at what I said. Siri types it out every time."

Yet another shift in how I see things and I found myself shaking my head in amazement.

I thought you might appreciate that story 🙂

—Jen Keefe

SandraDodd.com/digital
photo by Jen Keefe

Service as magic

By e-mail from a mom I didn't know, one day:

I just got your Big Book of Unschooling and I came to the service page. I did the exercise you proposed about pausing, breathing and feeling what that word/concept made me feel. And I felt immense joy and positiveness. I continued reading and I was surprised to read that for some people it might have a negative connotation. And then I thought about what made me feel the way I feel.

My husband and I are Colombian but lived in India for seven years, in an ashram where my children were born (they are six and three now). In India, and specially in an ashram, people do work as an offering to a Divine source, without any expectations. As you serve others, you receive a tremendous amount of joy and your heart is at the same time filled with gratitude, because that Divine source, or life itself (the name does not matter) has given you that opportunity. It is a matter of choice. You choose to serve others, to see it as a divine gift and to be filled with joy, awe and magic.

You could also see it as a simple unpaid chore and feel miserable and make everyone miserable. The act is the same; the attitude is different and so the atmosphere you create is different. Only with an attitude change.

I choose to be positive and to take every opportunity as a gift. So serving others (and many other things) becomes a great spiritual endeavor.

—Manuela (2014)

SandraDodd.com/serviceResponse
photo by Sandra Dodd
(Bangalore, library)

Neither wild nor crazy

Kelly Lovejoy wrote:

I think that, although *I* love the "radical" unschooler label, it can turn folks off just because of the word. It conjures up a wildness and craziness, but that's not what it IS. To me, it means deep, to the core.

Sandra Dodd:

Right.
Not the kind of "I was unschooled one summer" or "We unschool science and history, but not math or reading" kind of so-called unschooling.

REAL, deep, committed, clear, purposeful, focussed, heartfelt whole unschooling.

If it moves from the realm of rules to principles, then how could one really compromise without also compromising integrity?

That's where I am with it, and have been for many, many years. I can't NOT unschool because it has become the way we live and think and treat one another.

SandraDodd.com/radicalunschooling
photo by Holly Dodd

A good, solid start

Emily Strength wrote:

I've been feeling extra grateful for unschooling lately. So many issues parents are having with their kids, that I just don't have. And I try to offer advice, but I can't help them back up 5 or 10 years to get a good relationship with their kids from the start. It makes me really glad I got that start with my kids.

—Emily Strength

SandraDodd.com/doit
photo by Brie Jontry

Doing things with teens

When someone asked about strewing for teens:

Your family needs to be interested and interesting. Go places. Bring things and people in. Visit friends of yours who have cool stuff or do interesting things. Ask him to go with you if you take the dog to the vet. Drive home different ways and take your time. Putz around. Go to the mall some morning when it's not at all full of teens, and windowshop.

If you can afford it, find something in another town like a play, concert, museum, event and take him there. Stay overnight.

Go touristing somewhere not too far from you. Like if you had out-of-town guests, but just go with your son.

Watch films together.

Is there something you do that he might want to learn? Is there something you could learn together? Maybe the two of you could take a class or join a group that does... photography, hiking, quilting, scrapbooking, pottery, woodworking...

There are many more ideas at
SandraDodd.com/strew/teens
photo by Lydia Koltai

Your absolute knowledge

From a message board, in 2001:

does it get easier with time?

Yes!

Do you get more confident as time goes by?

Yes.

or do you just care less what others think?

As your confidence grows, it will dwarf what others think. The truth of your absolute knowledge will weed out the small, vague, unfounded doubts of others around you after a few years.

That's my experience and that of many other families with whom I've kept in contact over years.

Sandra

Unschooling Mindset
photo by Cally Brown

Generous generosity

I think the ideas in The 5 Love Languages are powerful to consider when figuring out what generosity might mean.
5lovelanguages.com

And just as with "learning styles," it doesn't mean you should figure out that a child is kinesthetic and so never, ever provide or share anything that isn't exclusively kinesthetic. It doesn't mean that if my primary love language is not receiving gifts that I never want to receive another gift as long as I live!

SandraDodd.com/50/50
photo by Janine Davies