Moving toward peace

It’s worth remembering that the energy that anger is built on accentuates a separation from other people—an us vs. them, or a ME vs. YOU/them/every-damned-other-person, and none of that can be healthy.

The quickest dissipation for anger is breathing.

Unschooling parents’ choices need to be between a more peaceful choice and a less peaceful choice, several times a day.

SandraDodd.com/breathing
photo by Sandra Dodd

Peace is all about choices.

If you want to live peacefully, make the most peaceful choices.

Peace is all about choices.

Choose to breathe consciously.
Choose understanding over ignorance.
Choose to make choices.
Choose awareness over oblivion.
And make choices based on the principles you live by.

SandraDodd.com/peace
photo and art by Marcia Simonds

Wild math

Joyce Fetteroll wrote:

Wild math looks different than domesticated math. It looks more like conversations, using numbers to figure out something the child wants to know, video games, allowance, weighing things in the grocery store, finding the best deal among several choices—that is not as a lesson but what you would normally do—board games, figuring out "how long until?" when she asks, budgets, doing a rough estimation of the items in the grocery cart to see if you have enough money, baseball statistics, crafts, origami, wrapping presents ...

There's a list at "A Few Words About Math"

Look at the things on there that naturally come up in your life. Don't look at the ones that don't! It isn't a checklist to see how many you can complete! It's meant to show you that there's more math in life than school math lets you see.

—Joyce Fetteroll

SandraDodd.com/math/
photo by Christine Milne

Trust and faith

A mom trying to persuade another mom to let kids have choices wrote:

But children don't die from eating too many Oreos or spending a whole day watching Kipper videos. They might get sick, or feel headachy, or be grumpy, but it's not life-threatening.

I responded:

They're entirely UNlikely to be sick, headachy or grumpy from those things. They are very likely to feel smaller, and worse, from parental restrictions and from hearing "no," though. And if the mom's dire warnings of doom turn out not to have been true, then trust and faith fall and are hard to restore.

Trust and faith are the most powerful tools parents of teens have. Too many parents squander those trying to control toddlers and young children.

SandraDodd.com/choice
photo by Sandra Dodd

Thoughtful decisions

I think the idea of "self-regulating" suggests that there are things people should, or must, or have to do, and they should learn to make themselves do them (or keep themselves from doing them). . . . .
If a person learns to choose what to do for real reasons, and makes thoughtful decisions more and more, it becomes habit and it changes him. Also, self-regulation can fail. A person "fails to self-regulate." And it's by other people's judgment. It's just not good.

It also removes freedom and choices, and makes people smaller.

SandraDodd.com/self-regulation
photo by Nicole Kenyon

Fewer limitations

"If parents are unwilling to be open-minded, their unschooling will be limited. It will be a walking bird, and not a flying bird. Perhaps a turkey, rather than an eagle."

I wrote that in a discussion of helping children live in the real world, with more food choices and less parental control.

Turkeys are okay, but they don't have the option to fly.

SandraDodd.com/control
photos by Cass Kotrba and Gail Higgins

P.S. Roadrunners can't fly, either, but I'm glad when one visits my yard. I thought penguins couldn't fly, but then I saw one swimming, through an aquarium's side-window. It was flying through the water—all the same motions as flying.

May your curiosity be unlimited.

Mindfully and deliberately

"By relinquishing the desire to control, you help your child onto the path of living mindfully themselves, making choices and decisions mindfully and deliberately, instead of reactively."

—Robyn Coburn

SandraDodd.com/option
photo by Celeste Burke

Highlight now

Our parents grew up in a different time, with different pressures and realities, and there's no profit in trying to persuade them they should've had the sensibilities you might have now (or that you're developing or would like to have). If you focus on what you want to do with and for your own children and why, the rest of the family can begin to fade in importance.



Customized, thoughtful choices
photo by Sandra Dodd

A world of partnership

In a world of choices, every choice that moves one toward positivity (hope, optimism, joy, sweetness, peace) and away from negativity (cynicism, anger, disdain, dismay, pessimism) is a solid step toward "better" (IF the person wants to be more positive).

In a world of partnership, when one partner is more positive, the partnership is more positive.

In a home with a mother, when the mother is more positive, the family's life is more positive.

SandraDodd.com/choices
photo by Sandra Dodd
of Kirby, Keith and Marty
35+ years ago

Philosophy of unschooling

Joyce Fetteroll wrote:

I guess I'd never really thought about the philosophy of unschooling specifically to write it out! A philosophy is sort of a package of principles. And principles are ideas that are accepted (hopefully because someone has experiences and thought deeply about the ideas!) as true.

The principles of unschooling are that humans are born learners. That children will learn best when given the freedom to learn what, when and how they want.

That doesn't, of course, tell anyone what to do. Principles are what help us decide which choices support our philosophy and which choices run counter to it.

. . . .
The principle that some are having problems with is that when children are treated with the same respect that we give to other human beings, life (and unschooling) is enhanced.

It's not a principle anyone should just accept. But those of us that are living it have experienced life with and without that kind of respect and know how wonderful the change can be. Those who have only experienced conventional parenting are only guessing at the effects it will have on children and family life and are rejecting the principle without experience.

—Joyce Fetteroll

Unschooling Philosophy, at Joyfully Rejoying
(an archived page, but even the randomizer still works there)
photo by Karen James

Growth is good, and possible

The idea that people learn from making choices, and that practice with small choices will help people make larger choices is a principle.

The idea that one can't make a choice without considering two or more options isn't a principle. It's a logical fact. 🙂

The idea that choices can lead a person nearer to the way she wants to be might be the principle that growth is good and growth is possible.

—Sandra Dodd
(original, on facebook)

SandraDodd.com/choice
photo by Sandra Dodd
(backyard, in the fan)

Choosing, many times

Note from a discussion in February 2012:

"I totally understand the idea behind radical unschooling, that children will self regulate...."

It surprises me every time someone assures others that they COMPLETELY and absolutely understand that... and then make a statement that came from somewhere else. "Self-regulate" means "eventually do what the mom wanted, spontaneously," sometimes, and other times means that the child will begin to have "self control" and tell himself no. A lot.

It's much clearer to think of a child having choices, and making what seems like the best one, many times a day; many times an hour, sometimes. A kid surrounded by cows and mesquite might not want to go out there, again, just to go. A kid who lives in a cornfield isn't likely to run excitedly out to see that... again.

Marty's off at a park in armor, where he's gone most Sundays for five or six years (and half the Sundays of his life before that). Holly was out and about most of yesterday. They chose to be out. They weren't out because their mom told them it was better than a Wii.

—Sandra Dodd

SandraDodd.com/self-regulation
photo by Sandra Dodd, of Bardolf (Marty)

The red belt in the photo meant he was a squire. Now his belt is white (for knighthood), and he has been Baron of al-Barran, King of the Outlands, and Prince of Oertha. That will mean something or nothing, depending who's reading; that's fine.

Slightly new is new

Change one thing: timing, route, store, choices, order, station, dishes...

One change affects other perceptions and connections.

Normal or exotic?
photo by Sandra Dodd

Wiser and more patient

Deep breaths change everything, for a few moments.
...When a parent learns to calm herself, or himself, many things happen. The home becomes safer. The parent becomes more reliable and more trustworthy. The children can make more choices without fear.

When a parent can learn to take one deep, calming breath while deciding what to do, the parent becomes wiser and more patient.

When a person knows how to calm herself, she can help others.

When children learn how to calm themselves, because the parents have helped them, because the parents understood how to do it, the children have more personal range and power, because they will be more reliable and trustworthy and able to maintain their calm, thoughtful, rational minds.

SandraDodd.com/breathing
photo by Gail Higgins

P.S. It doesn't work every time, but without practice, it won't work any time.

Change the lighting

Unschooling involves making many small choices every day, and providing opportunities for kids to make choices.

One important part of this choicemaking, for unschooling parents, is to become the sort of person you want your child to be.

You probably don't want your child to suffer or to struggle.

Someone I know and love wrote to me recently about suffering this thing, and struggling with that thing. Re-cast, re-phrase, re-arrange, change the lighting. Same you, same life, less negativity.

SandraDodd.com/being/positive
photo by Janine Davies

Calm acceptance

Sometimes the smallest thing can make a child extremely happy. Sometimes parents can find joy in relaxing around fears and pressures. Without dress codes and early-morning school bells, or other kids to ask "Why are you wearing that?!", there can be leisurely days of choices and creativity, while parents practice saying "yes" and children play without worries.

Jenny Cyphers once wrote:

"The big upside of unschooling, in my opinion, was that it also created an unexpected peacefulness, fulfillment, and happiness for all of us."

SandraDodd.com/unexpected
photo by Julie Markovitz

Choosing food

The idea that one can learn to feel and know one's own body and choose foods accordingly is shocking to most people. I wouldn't have thought it sensible or possible, when I was younger, but having given my three children the option to turn down any food, and to try any food, to choose their own quantities of food has shown me a whole different aspect of human learning and instinct.

It should make sense. Early people wouldn't have continued to eat what wasn't good for them if they weren't starving. If they had options, they would have chosen the things that seemed (for whatever range of reasons they might be choosing) good. There are food taboos and preferences all over the world. Some are credited to religion or superstition. Some are medicinal. All were, originally, local.

In a situation in which there is an abundance of food shipped and traded all over the world, then how does one choose? This is what is coming to be called "a first-world problem." In terms of learning, though, in the context of the life of a family choosing unschooling and mindful parenting, the question is answered every time food is bought, presented, consumed or considered.

SandraDodd.com/eating/choices
photo by Sandra Dodd

Better, without regrets

Do your best to do your best.

You won't regret making more positive choices.

---

SandraDodd.com/better on my site
and
"Better" on Just Add Light and Stir
photo by Renee Cabatic

Demons (avoidance of)

If a family thinks that "having no junk food" in the house will ensure a child's health for eight or nine decades, they are incorrect in that belief. If the mother thinks that it will absolve her of any blame in future dietary choices, she is also incorrect.

Demonizing food creates a demon. Being calm creates more calm.

SandraDodd.com/control
photo by Sandra Dodd

Clearer and easier

If a person wants to live in the light of his goals and intentions, then the "better choices" need to be made in that light. The clearer you are about where you intend to go, the easier your decisions are.

SandraDodd.com/clarity
photo by Roya Dedeaux