Showing posts sorted by date for query /choices. Sort by relevance Show all posts
Showing posts sorted by date for query /choices. Sort by relevance Show all posts

Thursday, July 3, 2025

Thoughtfully and respectfully

Cara Potter wrote:

Having the concepts of authenticity and freedom foremost in your mind doesn't help unschooling - they're freighted with political meaning - actually, all sorts of meanings -that have little to do with unschooling. Better to instead think of helping your child make choices - choices that take others into consideration, (which is respect).

What we as unschoolers are doing is helping our children learn to make choices so that they can live and thrive in the world. You can do that without getting tied up in knots about authenticity and freedom.

There'a an Annie Dillard quotes that always makes me think of this process - "How we live our days is how we live our lives."

If you live your days being kind to your family and helping your child make choices that take other's feelings and expectations into consideration you'll be helping him learn how to have live thoughtfully and respectfully in the world.
—Cara Potter

SandraDodd.com/nest
photo by Colleen Prieto

Wednesday, July 2, 2025

What to wear...

If a parent tells a child "You can wear ANYTHING YOU WANT TO!" the parent isn't being honest, helpful or truthful, unless they're just going to be at home and no one is coming over, and they have all the choices in the whole world.

Depending on the destination or weather, there are many inappropriate clothing choices. The parent should be helping the child learn what's good, and when there are lots of options, and when there are fewer.

It's not oppressive to coach a child about what's appropriate to wear to a funeral (NOT a swimsuit and goggles, even if it's a burial at sea) or to a wedding (NOT a black dress and black veil).

SandraDodd.com/coaching
photo by Julie D

Monday, June 30, 2025

Clarity and choices

Karen James wrote:

Freedom is a lovely word. It’s a huge concept. It has a very meaningful place in our society. It is important to a lot of people for very honourable and very real reasons.

Freedom is too big a focal point for unschooling though. It’s not that it can’t be celebrated and talked about. I believe it can. But if our aim is to have clarity in unschooling, our focus seems better directed at more succinct and relevant concepts to grasp and implement. Concrete ideas that can carry us forward through all of the stages, through any situation, and into a healthy, productive adulthood.
—Karen James

SandraDodd.com/choices/
photo of an airplane by Sandra Dodd
(click the image and zoom a bit if you can't see the plane)

Sunday, June 22, 2025

Connection and trust

Leah Rose wrote:

Unschooling, deschooling, parenting peacefully, all of it called to me, deeply, but it felt like a huge risk, a giant gamble. But I'm so glad we didn't pull back, that we continued down the path. ...

Learning to parent mindfully, keeping my focus in the present, making choices towards peace, towards help and support, is not, as it turns out, much of a gamble or a risk. It is the surest path to connection and trust.
—Leah Rose

SandraDodd.com/guarantee
photo by Marin Holmes
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Tuesday, June 3, 2025

Choose to have choices

A person can choose to have choices. A person can choose not to choose; still a choice, but they think of it as "no choice" or "have to."

Make the better choice
photo by Sandra Dodd

Tuesday, April 15, 2025

Learning by watching

Problem:
My son spends a lot of his time playing video games. I have accepted that this is his passion... and maybe very well play a part in his career path. but lately he's also been watching videos of other people playing video games on YouTube! Please help me see a reason that this is not just a waste of time... I know you'll have a good way to look at this latest passion.

An idea:
Musicians watch videos of other musicians. Athletes watch videos of other athletes. Chess players have even been known to watch other people play chess with something approaching awe and rapture. Woodworkers watch woodworking shows. Cooks watch cooking shows. Dancers watch better dancers and learn like crazy!

[and there was more, ending with...]

Don't worry about what kids choose to do. Make sure they have lots of choices, and don't discriminate between what you think might be career path and what might "only" be joyful activity and self-expression, or what might seem to be nothing more than relaxation or escapism. Let them choose and be and do.

SandraDodd.com/mha
photo by Sandra Dodd

Wednesday, April 9, 2025

Choices yes; "freedom," maybe not

If I "give my children freedom" in a situation, it's because I had some leeway or rights myself. I cannot "give them freedom" that I don't have.

Some unschoolers become confused on that, and they begin to frolic in the "freedom" that they are pretty sure some stranger online granted them, and that unschoolers have inalienably from God, bypassing all forms of government and the limitations of wallboard. And so if an unschooling family is up at 3:00 a.m. playing Guitar Hero, they seem mystified that the neighbors have called the landlord.

I'm exaggerating. I hope I'm exaggerating.

SandraDodd.com/freedom/limits
(where there's more of that)
photo by Roya Dedeaux

Sunday, April 6, 2025

New and better

a desert flower blooming over a cave entrance

Lean, one choice at a time, one conscious thought at a time, until your choices and thoughts are solidly in the range where you want to be, and you no longer lean that other way so much.

Your new range of balance will involve better choices and options than your first attempts did.

Sandra, from a talk on being partners
photo by Sandra Dodd
___

Saturday, March 29, 2025

Emulation

The people I respect most have become little voices in my head, and I "consult" them when I'm making decisions in their specialty areas. I have friends who are more patient than I am, more generous with time, and I think of them clearly and try to emulate them when I am making choices in those areas. Some cook better and are more organized, and I think back to things they have said, or to things I have seen them do, or I try to induce in myself the presence and mood they have when they're cooking or straightening. I don't want to be them, but I want to be more like them in the ways they have that earned my respect.
Future Grandparents
and/or
SandraDodd.com/voices
photo by Cathy Koetsier

Thursday, March 27, 2025

Not the same choices

Happy, supported, trusted kids don't make the same choices as unhappy, controlled kids.
—Joyce Fetteroll
small cheese balls shaped like pumpkins, in a store display
SandraDodd.com/eating/sugar
photo by Sandra Dodd

Monday, January 27, 2025

Philosophy and principles

Joyce Fetteroll wrote:

The core idea of the unschooling philosophy is that humans are born learners. That's what John Holt observed over and over. Children will learn best when allowed to learn what, when and how they want.

That doesn't, of course, tell anyone what to do. The philosophy helps you make choices. The principles -- such as peace, trust, respect, support, helpfulness -- help you stay on course when situations make it difficult to.
—Joyce Fetteroll

The unschooling philosophy
photo by Christine Elizabeth Milne

Wednesday, January 15, 2025

Expressing joy

Gratitude is good for the soul, for the spirit, for the mind, for the heart.

Negativity and discouragement spiral down a hole.

...When you hear or read something pure and joyful, maybe just bask in it, or add to it. Please try to think and make a choice, though, about whether to respond or to be quietly grateful that someone is courageous enough to express joy in a dangerously negative world.

Gratitude and choices
photo by Cathy Koetsier

Saturday, January 11, 2025

Purposes, on purpose

When we talk about making decisions within unschooling discussions, it's not something like "I made the decision to be an unschooler." It's small decisions in the moment, right before each action or response, about what to have for lunch, where and how and why.
Consciously making choices

Knowing WHY you want to make lunch can make all the rest of it a series of mindful choices. (Unless the "why" is a thoughtless sort of "because the clock hands pointed up".)
Choices in Parenting, Unschooling and the rest of Life


SandraDodd.com/purpose
photo by Brie Jontry

Tuesday, December 24, 2024

Building an unschooling nest

"Building an unschooling nest" is a phrase that has come to mean maintaining a safe, rich, happy environment in which learning cannot help but happen.

What will help to create an environment in which unschooling can flourish? For children to learn from the world around them, the world around them should be merrily available, musically and colorfully accessible, it should feel good and taste good. They should have safety and choices and smiles and laughter.

There is some physicality to the "nest," but much of it is constructed and held together by love, attitudes and relationships. Shared memories and plans, family jokes, songs and stories shared and discussed, all those strengthen the nest.

Quote from The Big Book of Unschooling, page 125 (or 137)
photo by Sandra Dodd, out the front window, last year this time
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Saturday, December 21, 2024

Sleep, choices, jobs

[A] common question is whether someone who grew up without a schedule and a bed time and could ever hold "a real job." The assumption, I think, is that "real jobs" require getting up very early and at the same time every day. Marty did that for over a year when he worked at the grocery store near us. He worked Monday through Friday at 6:30 a.m. He had no problem with that schedule.

Looking up through the list of jobs, I will give as many shift-starting-times as I can remember, and you might wonder if someone who had grown up with a bed time and a regular schedule could ever hold a job.

AM 6:30
8:00
9:00
10:00
11:00
PM 1:00
3:00
4:30
5:00
6:00


Since this was written, the starting-times of jobs for my kids has gone around the clock, with Kirby starting sometimes at 11:00 at night (at Blizzard, like a hospital graveyard shift), and beginning at 5:00 a.m. (one of his computer support jobs when he moved back to Albuquerque). When Marty worked stocking shelves at Target, at Christmas season, he was there at 4:00 a.m. a time or two. Probably more.

SandraDodd.com/jobs/bigbook
photo by Janine Davies

Tuesday, December 3, 2024

"Permissive"?

Someone asked, once:
How do you feel about the word "permissive" to describe unschooling and the lifestyle surrounding it? (I'm hearing this word a lot when trying to explain unschooling to family and friends...)
My response was:
"Permissive" is a term of insult used by and among people who feel the right and duty to control.

It was used by aristocrats of other aristocrats who were not reigning in their servants to the point that was recommended to keep them in line.

It's used by strict teachers who demand silence and obedience in the classroom, of other teachers who actually engage in dialog with their students, and unscripted dialog at that, which could lead anywhere, instead of just leading to the correct answers in the book, and preparing people for the test.

Don't look as "permissiveness" as though it exists in nature. See it as the pejorative term it is, and see the beliefs of the only people who can use it: controlling people trying to make others be as controlling as they are.

There are some other ideas, too, at the link below, but I think the most valuable idea is to see choices rather than rules you're "permitting" people to ignore.

The original is here.
photo by Janine Davies

There was an improper word choice I've kept. A typo, more like. "Reigning" should've been "reining," but in the context in which I wrote it, long ago, I see why the error came and it makes some sense there. 🙂

Wednesday, November 20, 2024

Naturally sweet

Jo Isaac wrote:

[Benton] explores the evolutionary basis behind children's food choices—for example, babies and toddlers have an innate preference for sweet and salty flavours and avoid bitter and sour tastes. This is explained as reflecting an evolutionary background where sweetness predicts a source of energy, whereas bitterness predicts toxicity/poison.

He also discusses the evolutionary mechanisms that might explain why children avoid new foods (termed neophobia), particularly in toddlers. In our evolutionary past, avoiding new foods had survival value if it discouraged eating items that might have been poisonous, particularly at the stage when a child was beginning to walk. Benton stresses that "Parents need to understand that neophobia is normal."
—Jo Isaac
(PhD, Biology)

More here: SandraDodd.com/eating/research
photo by Cátia Maciel

Saturday, October 5, 2024

Wisdom at its finest

Willow Lune wrote

The wisdom coming from these unschooled kids amazes (and surprises) me on a regular basis. The choices they make and the thoughtfulness they put into decisions. The in-depth discussions. Their take on the world. Their willingness to give feedback, knowing that their words matter. Wow—wisdom at its finest.
—Willow Lune

SandraDodd.com/surprise
photo by Rosie Moon

Friday, September 20, 2024

Choices and learning

Each child is an individual. If you let them choose from many foods, they won't eat things that make them sick, or make them feel bad.

If you tell them in advance what "will" make them feel better and what "will" make them feel bad, #1 you could be very wrong, and #2 they are NOT learning on their own about food. They're learning how to appease mom.

SandraDodd.com/food
photo by Kirby Dodd

Quote is from an online text chat on food and eating.

Monday, September 16, 2024

More


Alex Polikowsky wrote:

Unschooling takes more,
more presence,
more guidance,
more attention,
more mindfulness,
more connection,
more thinking and questioning,
more choices and better choices.
—Alex Polikowsky

SandraDodd.com/misconceptions
photo by Sandra Dodd