Real, present, thinking children

Sandra Dodd, 2014, commentary on criticism:

How parents can ignore their own real, present, thinking children in favor of vague negativity and scare stories is a mystery.

Unschooling is not synonymous with anything. There are people who "unschool" except for…", and who "unschool mostly," but if their priorities are learning and peace, then arbitrary rules and decisions made on fear are less likely to seem like good ideas.

If an 11 year old is bummed, it might be worth really looking at his side of things. Being a child's partner in exploring the world is valuable in more ways than people can imagine, if they haven't done it. If the parent sees the child as an adversary who should be limited and made to wait until he's grown even to spend his own money, there will be more problems than they can imagine.

SandraDodd.com/partners/child

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I've added that to the page Look Directly at your Child

The full text with background and discussion is here on Always Learning.

photo by Lydia Koltai

In fun ways for real reasons

From a 2003 article, "Some Thoughts on Homeschooling," by Sandra Dodd

My children learned to read without phonics lessons, without programmed readers, and without pressure. Kirby had two and a half lessons, and that cured me of doubt. I had taught reading, years before, and laying those two experiences side by side made me aware of the damage that whole mindset does. So I read to him, played word games with him, sang with him, watched movies with him, bought him video games and magazines to go with them, and from Nintendo gaming guides and magazines, he learned to read fluently when he was nine.

My other two read at ten and eleven. I was more relaxed, and though I was surprised that Holly read "late" (for a girl, I thought, unfairly), a year ago she wasn't reading and now she reads very well. It comes almost suddenly, once they "get it," and I'm convinced that it comes suddenly at school too, but teachers who want job security and paychecks disguise the process with years of exercises and read-alouds and worksheets until those loom large and the child is lost within. At some point a child either reads fluently or has given up trying.

Because my children learned to read without having been taught, they have no doubt whatsoever that they could learn anything else. Few things are as important or as complex as reading, yet they figured it out and enjoyed doing it. If I thought I had taught them, they too would think I taught them, and they would be waiting for me to teach them something else.

They have never been criticized for "not showing their work" when they do calculations in their heads. Mathematics, too, they have learned in fun ways for real reasons.

—Sandra Dodd, 2003
(Holly has read well for over 20 years)

SandraDodd.com/thoughts
photo by Denaire Nixon

Enrichment, love and happiness

"jbantau" wrote, in the midst of sharing how she changed her life to accommodate unschooling:

Doing things with my children that enrich their lives and make them feel loved is my true happiness.

—jbantau

Click here to go to the full story (right under "the little stick figure guy" photos) on the "me time" page, SandraDodd.com/metime
photo by Sandra Dodd

Epiphanies

Ah-HA!

I recently saw how far I've come.

I knew that. Now I *know* that.

I am pretty sure I understand now!

Those quotes are from a collection of just a few of the unschooling epiphanies reported over the years. Not one of them is anything akin to "Yeah, I read that, but..." They're not about reading at all. They're about seeing, about realizing, about having acted in a new way after months or years of the percolation of ideas through a mind and heart open to learning.

SandraDodd.com/gettingit
photo by Sandra Dodd

Gifts without toil

Schuyler Waynforth wrote:

David and I were talking about gifts tonight as we were making dinner together. He said that he doesn't work at our marriage, none of the things he does for me are work, because those things are gifts. And if he can see them as gifts then toil is no longer a part of it. He's right. When I fold the laundry with the image of Linnaea dancing in her dress of choice it isn't labor at all. Or when I wash the dishes thinking about how much easier and more pleasant fixing the next meal will be, it is less about the toil in that moment and more about the joy in the next. But if I think about how many times I've done the dishes recently and how I don't want to do them tonight and I'm tired and why can't someone else do this and I always do them... it is all about labor.

—Schuyler Waynforth

Serving Others as a Gift
(SandraDodd.com/chores/gifts)
photo by Sandra Dodd

Manipulation vs. persuasion

In a 2005 discussion, someone asked:

Where is the line drawn? (Because of the inherent power difference between parents and children, when is a parent persuading instead of manipulating?)

I responded:

It's different every time in each dyad. Some parents manipulate all the time. It is neither ideal nor illegal. Some parents never manipulate nor even learn to persuade, to the point that they are what is called "walked on" and marginalized by even their own family.

In the middle is a balance point and that will be different in different circumstances.

If I see one of my boys getting emotionally involved with a girl who seems desperately needy to have a baby to get away from her family, that would call for more commentary and discouragement than if he's liking a girl who seems calm and thoughtful and balanced. To declare in advance a rule about how I will be in future unseen circumstances would be to turn off my own freedom and judgment.

Living by principles and not by rules, as I try to do, having a rule about what is and what isn't violates my principles.

Sandra

literal meaning of "manipulation"
photo by Rippy Dusseldorp

The big upside

"The big upside of unschooling, in my opinion, was that it also created an unexpected peacefulness, fulfillment, and happiness for all of us."

—Jenny Cyphers

SandraDodd.com/unexpected
photo by Karen James