Whose home, whose responsibility?

Funny how parents say 'It's your home too and your responsibility,' when it comes to chores, but 'It's my home,' when it comes to setting standards or how money is spent or how to decorate it or ...

—Joyce Fetteroll

from a discussion at familyrun.ning, saved by The Wayback Machine
photo by Sandra Dodd
__

Birds

Joyce Fetteroll wrote:

To unschool, you begin with your child's interests. If she's interested in birds, you read - or browse, toss aside, just look at the pictures in - books on birds, watch videos on birds, talk about birds, research and build (or buy) bird feeders and birdhouses, keep a journal on birds, record and ponder their behavior, search the web for items about birds, go to bird sanctuaries, draw birds, color a few pictures in the Dover Birds of Prey coloring book, play around with feathers, study Leonardo DaVinci's drawings of flying machines that he based on birds, watch Alfred Hitchcock's "The Birds."

But don't go whole hog on this. Gauge how much to do and when by your child's reactions. Let her say no thanks. Let her choose. Let her interest set the pace. If it takes years, let it take years. If it lasts an hour, let it last an hour.

—Joyce Fetteroll

SandraDodd.com/joyce/steps
photo by Sandra Dodd, of a dovecote at a house in France

If/then and other happy logic

Joyce Fetteroll wrote:

Some people, such as those who are naturally drawn to rules, who live under limitations accept the rules and stick to them. They live in fear and the rules are like talismans that will keep the boogeyman away. What happens when they are faced with new situations that they don't have rules in place for? People often extrapolate from the nonsense and extend the rules. But rational thought would reveal shoddy foundations for decision making.

If the reasons behind rules make sense, then there isn't a reason to make a rule. But people who follow rules aren't learning how to make decisions. They are only learning to follow someone else's rules.

If the reasons behind rules are nonsense, then people memorize nonsense and use that as a foundation for decision making.

—Joyce Fetteroll

SandraDodd.com/joyce/logic
photo by Sandra Dodd
___

Better expectations

Joyce Fetteroll wrote:

What gets in the way of so many new unschooling parents is unreasonable expectations. They think kids must learn to read, spell, do math by a certain age, do chores, do what they're told, not eat more sugar than Mom thinks is right, bathe and sleep when Mom wants... They think unschooling parents have a magical way of getting kids to do those.

Some parent expectations come from how they were parented. Some come from school. Some come from friends and other parents. Some are accepted as truths just because the message is ubiquitous.

For unschooling to flourish, parents need to look directly at their kids. What does *this* child need? What is *this* child reaching for? If a resource helps a parent let go of unreasonable expectations and look directly at their child, then that's supportive of creating a learning environment. If a resource helps a parent understand their child better, that's a good thing *if* it removed a barrier to directly looking at their child. It's not a good thing if it puts a new filter between parent and child. (It's funny how parents who fear TV see addiction in their children. When they let go of their fear, they see engagement.)

—Joyce Fetteroll

SandraDodd.com/waldorf
photo by Sarah Peshek

Free-form experimentation and analysis

Joyce Fetteroll wrote:

Unschooling looks nothing like school. It looks like play. Play—which is actually free-form experimentation and analysis—is how we—humans and really all mammals—are designed to make sense of the world around us. We build up an understanding of how the universe works by trying things out and seeing what happens. Then taking that new understanding to try more stuff out.

Written that way it sounds formal and directed. In actual practice it is free ranging and chaotic. But it works wonderfully well because it's what we're designed to do.

—Joyce Fetteroll

SandraDodd.com/playing
photo by Sandra Dodd

Foundations and preventions

Joyce Fetteroll wrote:

Asking how to prevent kids from lying is sort of like asking how to get a steeple bell 50 feet into the air. The answer begins with building a foundation on the ground which hardly sounds like a way to get something into the air.

—Joyce Fetteroll

SandraDodd.com/issues/morality
photo by Sandra Dodd
___

Focus on the positive

Joyce Fetteroll wrote:

People who look at what they have and how they can work with it find the ways quicker (and are happier) than those who look at what they don't have. That sounds harsh but it's true for everyone, regardless of how fortunate someone feels someone else must be. It's not easy! It's a *choice* to focus on the positive—a choice one often needs to remember to make repeatedly—because the alternative gets in the way of moving toward something better.

—Joyce Fetteroll

SandraDodd.com/nest
photo by Sandra Dodd

Creating memories

"Remind yourself that each moment we're creating memories. Think of those moments as photos in a photo album. We have no control over which pictures they'll keep. Ask yourself, 'Is this a moment I want my children to carry with them forever? Is this how I want them to remember me?'"

—Joyce Fetteroll

Techniques for Change, at Joyce's site
photo by Sandra Dodd (click to enlarge)
❖

Restricting knowledge

Joyce Fetteroll wrote:

Many parents think they know their children. But the more they restrict, the less they know their children and the more they know how their children are under restrictions. Restrictions say I don't trust you. Restrictions say that thing is more powerful than you are. Restrictions give children reasons not to be trusted.

—Joyce Fetteroll

(the topic was video games)
photo by Lydia Koltai
❖

New truths

"A lot of learning about unschooling is unlearning a lot of stuff that you're sure is true about learning."

—Joyce Fetteroll

More by Joyce about How Unschooling Works
and the original writing, of which the line above is just the closing
photo by Sandra Dodd

Future memories

"Remind yourself that each moment we're creating memories. Think of those moments as photos in a photo album. We have no control over which pictures they'll keep. Ask yourself, 'Is this a moment I want my children to carry with them forever? Is this how I want them to remember me?'"

—Joyce Fetteroll

Techniques for Change, at Joyce's site
photo by Chrissy Florence
❖

Focus on others

Joyce Fetteroll wrote:

Wanting your family to be happy, joyful and learning seems a perfectly fine goal! But you won't get there by focusing on what you want. You'll get there by focusing on what they want.

What are your kids interested in? What do they want? How can you support that?

—Joyce Fetteroll

SandraDodd.com/deschooling has a bit more of that, near the bottom
photo by Sandra Dodd
__

More joyful ways to live

Joyce Fetteroll wrote:

The first step is finding something that's better than what you have.

The second step is wanting to change.

The third step is figuring out how to change.

So, as you read along, you may wonder why I suggest that parents basically make life more difficult for themselves. The reason is because I believe it leads to a much better place. And that better place is a more joyful life for our children and our families.

—Joyce Fetteroll

Children and media discussion
photo by Janine Davies

As big as the world

Joyce Fetteroll wrote:

If you look at school and curriculum objectively rather than the fonts of knowledge they're touted to be, it's easier to see how hugely limiting they are.

Kids are stuck inside memorizing facts about life and the world from someone predigested facts about it.

Unschooled kids are out in the world learning as humans are designed to learn: by gathering in what they observe and pulling understanding from it.

Schooled kids lives are limited. Unschooled kids lives are as big as the world around them. And with the internet and TV, that's practically infinite!

—Joyce Fetteroll

SandraDodd.com/joycefetteroll
photo by Sandra Dodd

Contentment and happiness

Joyce Fetteroll wrote:

While unschooling parents should keep the environment lively, bringing in new things to leave about—see Sandra's Strewing page—new or old favorites of yours TV shows and movies, taking them places—a new playground, a new grocery store, an historical re-enactment, a polo match—the indicator of how well you're doing should be your kids peace, contentment and happiness."

—Joyce Fetteroll

SandraDodd.com/introvert
photo by Sandra Dodd, in Schuyler's back garden
__

The atmosphere of the house

by Joyce Fetteroll, from something longer on her site:

Our job is to create an atmosphere so they can feel good about helping, or an atmosphere that doesn't crush that feeling ... so that "work" feels good.

Someone was asked how they got their child to like broccoli. She answered, "I didn't do anything to make her dislike broccoli." That goes for everything. :-) Broccoli, writing, household tasks, astronomy, reading and so on. Don't do anything to make them dislike helping you.

—Joyce Fetteroll

Will they ever voluntarily help out?
photo by Renee Cabatic

Provide more

Joyce Fetteroll, to someone fearful about not having started sooner:

How could doing better be worse?

You won't help yourself and your family be happy if you keep looking at what you *imagine* life could have been had you been mindfully parenting all along. You are where you are and right this moment you have the opportunity and a growing box of tools to be better. 🙂

When buckets have been empty for so long they've developed holes, it takes a lot of filling before those holes can start closing. But in the meantime having their buckets as full as you can make them will be better than empty. Maybe they won't ever be as full or lacking in holes as they could have been, but what's the alternative you have available right now?

—Joyce Fetteroll

Success with Later Unschooling?
with more, and follow-up

photo by Sandra Dodd
I used this photo once before,
but it IS bucket-shaped lacy water (with flowers), and seemed appropriate today.

Flower bed

Joyce wrote:

People who look at what they have and how they can work with it find the way quicker (and are happier) than those who look at what they don't have.

—Joyce Fetteroll

SandraDodd.com/nest.html#principles
photo by Amy Milstein

Swirls and connections

Joyce wrote:

A big part of natural learning is absorbing ideas and letting them swirl around in the background. They clarify. They form connections. If the subject comes up again in a few months, you may be surprised how differently you're looking at what you were wondering about.

—Joyce Fetteroll

SandraDodd.com/readalittle
photo by Sandra Dodd
__

How much and when

"Gauge how much to do and when by your child’s reactions. Let her say no thanks. Let her choose. Let her interest set the pace. If it takes years, let it take years. If it lasts an hour, let it last an hour."

—Joyce Fetteroll

Five Steps to Unschooling
photo by Cátia Maciel