Showing posts sorted by relevance for query /control. Sort by date Show all posts
Showing posts sorted by relevance for query /control. Sort by date Show all posts

Friday, October 10, 2014

More violent than games

Playing a video game is not violent. Playing a game is sitting on a couch with a remote control.

Shaming a kid who wants to sit on the couch with a remote control, or somehow
preventing him from playing, is closer to violence than a kid causing the
character he's controlling to shoot an imaginary weapon at some pixels.

SandraDodd.com/violence
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Life-in-progress


The structured homeschooling that involves buying a curriculum and teaching at the kitchen table on a schedule is not the control group the school system needed. Those who practice “school at home” serve to reinforce the school’s claims that they could do better if they had more teachers and better equipment. When a structured family has high test scores, the schools say “SEE? We could do that too if we had one teacher per three or four students.”
. . . .

Scientifically speaking, my children are not a control group. They’re not isolated and kept purely away from school methods and messages. But what is unquestionable is that there are now thousands of children who are learning without formal teaching. They are learning from the world around them, from being with interesting and interested adults doing real work and real play. Instead of being put away with other children to prepare for life, they are joining life-in-progress right at birth, and never leaving “the real world.”

SandraDodd.com/thoughts
photo of Holly Dodd and Adam Daniel, by Adam's mom
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Monday, October 31, 2016

Like magic


Since my kids were little they could have all the Halloween candy they wanted, and since they were little that has been no problem at all, because by the time they gave away what they didn't like and traded for favorites, and saved it and shared it with kids who came over for the next few weeks, there was still candy left.
. . . .

We were confident that it was control, not access, that made kids eat, do and want "too much" before we ever considered unschooling. Others come to the idea the other way around—unschooling first and releasing other control-urges later.


SandraDodd.com/eating/halloween
photo by Pam Sorooshian

This is a repeat from 2013
because the photo is great
with text from 2010
because it's still true.
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Tuesday, March 10, 2020

Control

If you think of controlling yourself, and of your children controlling themselves, it's still about control. If people live by principles their choices come easily.



SandraDodd.com/self-regulation
photo by Holly Dodd

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Candy gets dusty


Since my kids were little they could have all the Halloween candy they wanted, and since they were little that has been no problem at all, because by the time they gave away what they didn't like and traded for favorites, and saved it and shared it with kids who came over for the next few weeks, there was still candy left. I have very often found the sorting boxes (a Xerox box lid or cardboard Coke flat) months later, and one year when it was nearly Halloween again, Kirby threw out the last of the candy from the year before. (Ditto for Christmas and Easter candy, some years.)

We were confident that it was control, not access, that made kids eat, do and want "too much" before we ever considered unschooling. Others come to the idea the other way around—unschooling first and releasing other control-urges later.

Halloween Candy and Choices, or "Candy Gets Dusty"
photo by Sandra Dodd in 2002 (click for more)
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Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Leftover Halloween Candy

Since my kids were little they could have all the Halloween candy they wanted, and since they were little that has been no problem at all, because by the time they gave away what they didn't like and traded for favorites, and saved it and shared it with kids who came over for the next few weeks, there was still candy left. I have very often found the sorting boxes (a Xerox box lid or cardboard Coke flat) months later, and one year when it was nearly Halloween again, Kirby threw out the last of the candy from the year before. (Ditto for Christmas and Easter candy, some years.)

We were confident that it was control, not access, that made kids eat, do and want "too much" before we ever considered unschooling. Others come to the idea the other way around—unschooling first and releasing other control-urges later.



SandraDodd.com/eating/halloween
photo by Sandra Dodd, of an autumn tree in the back yard

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Control

If you think of controlling yourself, and of your children controlling themselves, it's still about control. If people live by principles their choices come easily.



SandraDodd.com/self-regulation
photo by Holly Dodd

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Choose choices

"Children have to be taught to self-regulate." That "rule" is parroted by non-thinking parents with great regularity. It can be replaced with "I would like to help my child make thoughtful choices."

If you think of controlling yourself, and of your children controlling themselves, it's still about control. If people live by principles their choices come easily.
. . .
When you hear or say "They will self-regulate," think to yourself: "They will learn to make choices."

SandraDodd.com/self-regulation
Quote is from page 56 (or 61) of The Big Book of Unschooling.
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Sunday, June 5, 2016

Mindfully and deliberately

"By relinquishing the desire to control, you help your child onto the path of living mindfully themselves, making choices and decisions mindfully and deliberately, instead of reactively."
—Robyn Coburn

SandraDodd.com/option
photo by Celeste Burke
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Thursday, November 16, 2023

Other possibilities

Being steeped in principles of peace, respect and strength has allowed me to learn that there are other possibilities. It's almost like recovering from addiction...addiction of the effects of control. Little by little, day by day, with a lot of (sometimes painful) awareness...slowly new peaceful joyful stuff replaces the old, sad stuff.
—Alex Arnott
(a.k.a. Alex Wildrising)

SandraDodd.com/recovery
photo by Brie Jontry

Monday, December 26, 2011

Creating memories

"Remind yourself that each moment we're creating memories. Think of those moments as photos in a photo album. We have no control over which pictures they'll keep. Ask yourself, 'Is this a moment I want my children to carry with them forever? Is this how I want them to remember me?'"

—Joyce Fetteroll

Techniques for Change, at Joyce's site
photo by Sandra Dodd (click to enlarge)

Monday, June 6, 2011

Why?


Every time you feel the urge to control a choice, you can ask yourself "why?" and begin to question the assumptions (or fears) about children, parenting, learning and living joyfully that you are holding on to.
—Robyn Coburn

SandraDodd.com/option
photo by Sandra Dodd

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Between "more" and "too much"

If your kids ask for another one (potato, cookie, peanut butter sandwich) I think it's helpful if you just say "Sure!" and make another one, even if you don't think they'll finish it, even if you think they'll be too full or whatever. As long as they're not eating someone else's share (and even so, if the other person agrees), it's not a big deal. If they don't finish, save the leftover for someone else. If they do finish and they're "too full" that's how they'll learn their capacity (which will change anyway as they get older).



SandraDodd.com/eating/control
photo by Sandra Dodd

Thursday, March 2, 2017

Generous and kind

You don't need to control yourself to keep yourself from being controlling. Make generous, kind choices, over and over, as often as you can.
SandraDodd.com/battle/
photo by Hannah North

Monday, August 1, 2011

Let him sleep

If a child is peacefully asleep and doesn't have to be somewhere at a certain time, let him sleep! If he stayed up late playing video games because it was the only time he could get a large block of uninterrupted access to the game, let him sleep as late as he needs to.

Going to sleep and waking up shouldn't be about the feeling of control the parent can gain from demanding and commanding.

from page 160 (or 178) of The Big Book of Unschooling
photo by Sandra Dodd
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Friday, March 27, 2015

Choose Choices (...repeat)

"Children have to be taught to self-regulate." That "rule" is parroted by non-thinking parents with great regularity. It can be replaced with "I would like to help my child make thoughtful choices."

If you think of controlling yourself, and of your children controlling themselves, it's still about control. If people live by principles their choices come easily.
. . .
When you hear or say "They will self-regulate," think to yourself: "They will learn to make choices."

SandraDodd.com/self-regulation
Quote is from page 56 (or 61) of The Big Book of Unschooling.
photo by Sandra Dodd
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This post first appeared in May 2013.

Wednesday, October 12, 2016

the best Now



Colleen Prieto wrote:
"I know that no matter how wonderful a childhood he has—no matter how accepted, nurtured, loved, and cared for he is—I can’t control his Future. His Someday is his—and he will run up against a whole world that is full of potentially confusing and potentially damaging things and people. We give him the best Now we can, in hopes that’ll carry him through his Someday as well as it can."
—Colleen Prieto

That's an almost-direct quote. There's a "but..." coming in the original,
but you might not need it today.
SandraDodd.com/addiction
photo by Sandra Dodd

Thursday, April 7, 2016

Acceptance and relaxation

"When kids feel respected, when they've experienced a life time of their desires being respected and supported to find safe, respectful, doable ways to get what they want, kids won't push the envelope into craziness. That behavior just doesn't make sense to them.

"Kids who've been controlled focus on pushing against that control, sometimes focus on the hurt of not being accepted for who they are, and do things just because they're not supposed to."
—Joyce Fetteroll

SandraDodd.com/partners/child
photo by Andrea Taylor

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Gratitude

I'm writing this on October 2, 2012. I'm one month after and one month before something for which I would like to express gratitude.

On September 2, this blog was two years old. I offered gifts in exchange for donations to cover some expenses (not for this blog, but for SandraDodd.com and the series of Always Learning Live events). I had 37 people/families contribute. All the cards, certificates and packages have been mailed. Thank you all!

I also requested title art for webpages, and nine people (from five families) sent various types of things made of Lego; hiking finds and forest bits; photo; paint; pen; and pen-and-computer art. The collection is *here*, and you can follow links to that art in use on the pages for which it was created.

That was all pretty fun and I'll probably do it again next September.

The other matter for which I am grateful is that my youngest of three, Holly Dodd, will turn 21 on November 2, 2011. My three children have grown to adulthood. I know that not all parents are as fortunate, and I know many things could have gone differently. We can't control or contain the world, but we can appreciate the joys that come.

SandraDodd.com/abundance
Cat art by Noor JontryMasterson

Saturday, February 19, 2022

Controversial topic

When a family stays together, and when the marriage is improved and solidified, it's not just good for the children. It's good for the grown children, and grandchildren. It's better for holidays and family events, for estate planning and inheritance. It's better for being able to leave photo albums out, and photos of children with their parents still out on the wall, without trying to revise history to keep from offending new wife, new husband, girlfriend, boyfriend. It's better for casual stories like "Remember when we went to White Sands?" It's less likely that a story will need to be abandoned midway or trailed away from because someone who was there, and fun, is now estranged from the family.

I didn't know, years ago, that unschooling could strengthen a marriage. I did know that a good marriage would strengthen unschooling.


SandraDodd.com/positivity
photo by a waiter, with my camera, 2011


P.S. Why is that controversial?

I have been criticized, over the years, for encouraging people to be kind and compassionate to partners or spouses. I have also been thanked by people whose marriages became stronger because of those ideas, or by the use of unschooling principes in general.

Although I am sympathetic to people whose marriages have failed for reasons beyond their control, there are divorces that could have been avoided, and there are relationships still in the future that could benefit by being bathed in sweetness and patience, humor and positivity.